HDTV - Can You Believe This?

Recently I had occasion to watch some HDTV - high-definition television. It was like being in the über-there. The detail was so distinct it was utterly indescribable, until it started to get out of hand. Now it is indelibly etched upon my mind.

It was a nature program. We all know what happens therein. No, not the obligatory mating sequence. I’m talking of showing the bad along with the good because, in reality, that’s the way nature really is.

On this particular show, there was a close up - in high-definition - of this bird, sitting on a limb, doing what I thought were birdy things. All around him, nary a leaf was stirring, yet this bird seemed a little unstable on his feet. I saw his chest, full of glorious high-definition feathers, heaving more than seemed natural. On further inspection I noticed his eyes were having trouble focusing on just one thing. A bead of sweat started to roll down his forehead. He developed the half-hiccups, wherein all that comes out is, “Hic.” Two worms inching by, looked up at him and I thought I heard a little worm snicker pass between them before they ambled on.

Gentle Feeders, this bird was obviously under the weather. I thought he might even be on his last wing. Little did I know.

His chest heaving increased until he was hunched over. Before I could make the connection between the hiccing and the hunching, a grayish mass flew out of his beak. All in high definition color, and surround sound.

The camera never moved as this scene continued repeatedly. My eyelids wouldn’t blink, due to this uncommonly graphic display of nature. Nowhere was the familiar warning sounded, “Viewer discretion advised.” An uneasy queasiness came over me.

If this bird wasn’t having a bad enough time, in the background I noticed two vultures, elbowing each other and pulling bills out of their wallets, as they point at this poor fellow. Here, we see nature displaying what a cruel mamma it could be.

However, the worst was yet to come.

As if SEEING this bird toss his cookies wasn’t graphic enough, a caption appears at the bottom of the screen, explaining this high definition scene in glorious detail.

I found this to be a bit condescending. After all, I didn’t ride the short bus. At least not past the tenth grade.

It called the bird by name. The charcoal breasted wobbly imbiber. The caption said he had gotten hold of some fruit that was a little bit too ripe and now he was regurgitating.

That’s right. The “R” word was spelled out right there on the screen, in high definition. Where are the censors when you need them?

“Too ripe?” Why white-wash it at this point? You’ve already crossed the line. Tell it like it is. It was fermented and this birdbrain was blowing chunks because he was knee-walking drunk.

Birds have knees don’t they?

He’d been on a bender and now his face was plastered in HD for the entire world to see. I fully expected a familiar tune to start up and then the vocalist begin,

Bad bird, bad bird,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do,
The fruit’s too ripe for you.

I don’t know if the world is ready for all HD, all the time, but it’s coming. In ‘09 or ‘10, everything is supposed to be broadcast in HD. All I’m asking is, leave the HD for the visual, okay? We don’t need the subtitles. Especially with nature films. No telling what they’ll want to show next.

Would a caption really be necessary concerning those worms, snickering close together by candlelight after sharing a little of that fruit between them? Viewer discretion most certainly advised.

© 2007 Michael Wicinski