Rules of Engagement for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is all about two words. Fair share. If you don’t follow these rules, you might miss out on yours. After all, this meal is all about consuming as much of the spread as possible without having to emit certain bodily noises, such as the phrase, “More, please.”

The rules are simple. Common sense, really. Sometimes, though, things have to be spelled out for us before we actually grasp them.

Don’t wear a belt. This only encumbers your ability to eat all you want. Seconds or thirds, along with a dessert or two, will be nigh onto impossible wearing a belt. Leave it out of your ensemble.

Did the Pilgrims wear belts? Check out the historical pictures. Where were their buckles? That’s right, on their shoes. Nobody wants fat feet for the journey home.

Peek during the blessing. It’s the only way to protect your part of the bountiful feast that has been laid before you. You know others are going to be doing it, right? If you wait for, “Amen,” and expect to quickly open your eyes and grab that nice slab of turkey, you’re liable to wind up with a fork in the back of your hand and that’s a no-no. Violence at this meal is strictly forbidden.

Did the Pilgrims have a free-for-all at the first Thanksgiving? Of course not. It was an amicable event. They behaved themselves admirably even after losing the post meal football game. That was, until the “fire water” was passed around. Up until then, the Indians knew only of dancing on the ground. This was their introduction to something later to be called, “casino table dancing.”

It would be many years later before the Indians became comfortable with this concept.

Bring the hostess a gift. Empty containers. There’s going to be more than enough food to feed Cox’s Army. Therefore, leftovers will be sent home with everybody. That is, unless the supply of Cool Whip bowls runs out. If that happens, those who remembered the hostess will be enjoying the meal a second time. Your social faux pas could lead to you enjoying next year’s Thanksgiving at the Waffle House.

Serve the children last. Don’t pshaw me. If they were treated this way regularly, we wouldn’t have this problem with obesity.

What did the Pilgrims do? Why, the men were served first, as is only rightfully so, and then the women. Last, and most certainly least, the kids got what was leftover. Pilgrim kids learned to enjoy sharing a wing amongst themselves. If they were still hungry afterwards, they could actively search for nuts and berries out in the forest. This led to one of America’s greatest discoveries, California.

Besides, if you fill a kid’s plate with all the good stuff they’re going to find some reason not to eat it all just to skip right to the desserts. Then you have plates with two-thirds of the food left but played with by the “I don’t want/like this” whiners. Because of this, nobody is going to even touch this tainted food except fathers. Fathers are somewhat thankful their progeny doesn’t always finish their meal. They know moms aren’t going to touch it because of the “germ” factor. So, not only are the regular leftovers going home with their families, but they gets their very own personal Cool Whip bowl.

Can you say, legal double dipping?

These rules are presented in an effort to help you find the real meaning of Thanksgiving and share it with others. After all, who could shop the whole day after without packing in enough food to fuel you through this tradition started by the Pilgrims.

© 2006 Michael Wicinski