Back to School

The very pillars of our communities are lying to your children. They’re being two-faced in our newspapers and on the television. I’m not talking about the cross-dressing, cabaret-singing tendencies of some our public figures. It’s far more serious than that.

Through my astute powers of observation, I have discovered with all certainty that teachers are lying about being glad to be back in school. Contrary to what you may have heard recently, teachers are already starting to be dragged down by their jobs. Here’s how I can tell.

I live 35 miles from the office. On a good day I can make it in 35 minutes. I know what you’re thinking. On the contrary though, with an imagination like mine, I’ll have a great explanation if I do get pulled over. I continuously prepare to be spontaneous.

This week, however, traffic patterns have changed. On Monday, though there was decidedly more traffic. The commute went off without an episode. With Tuesday came a slight case of vehicular constipation. By yesterday, I thought the expressway (a cross-country oxymoron) would shortly become a used car lot. Traffic was moving so slowly the effects of deodorant, shampoo and shaving cream were starting to wane.

Why this sluggish difference? Both city and county schools were back in session. And who makes up the majority of drivers within the schools? Teachers and cafeteria ladies.

Now we can dismiss the cafeteria ladies right off. They look forward to their job. To them, every day is a culinary challenge. It’s, “What can we add to the meatloaf today allowing us to call it something different?”

For the record, ketchup does not go on good meatloaf. A good meatloaf will stand on its own. Not literally. Unless it’s been in the refrigerator for about twenty days. At that point, it might not only stand but it might walk to the door, knock and request to be let out.

With the cafeteria ladies eliminated, that leaves only the teachers. They’ve been on the news, all smiles with a joyful tone in their voices. I’m here to tell you it’s all a facade.

Think about it. They’ve been lying around the house for two, two and a half months, not doing jack. Getting up at 1:00 P.M.. Staying in their robes all week. Saving on deodorant, shampoo and shaving cream because they don’t have to get cleaned up but once a week during the summer. All the while they’re still pulling down a paycheck. They’re thinking, “Is this a great country or what?”

Then one day, August shows up at their doorstep and says, “Party time’s over. Get your tookus off the sofa and get back to school. It’s time to get back to work.” Reality bites hard for teachers.

With that, the cycle starts all over again. They go through their own personal pep rallies getting psyched to deal with the psycho’s, er, students. They rally their intestinal fortitude to believe they’ll actually make a difference. They also buy cases of antacids for when that fortitude sours, usually sometime during the first week back.

Thus, the rest of the working populace has to deal with distraught teachers during rush hour.

It doesn’t have to be like this. I’ve got the answers right here.

Elementary schools should start when they did back in the good old days. First bell at 8:25. Tardy bell at 8:30. With school starting at that time teachers don’t have to be at work until 8:27. That gives them an ample three minutes to make it from the parking lot to their class rooms.

Six periods of classes and turn the kids loose at 3:00. It worked for millions of kids for millions of years.

For crying out loud, bring back recess and have it every day, too. Recess is where you’ve got six or eight classes of kids shrieking and running with delight. Off to one side the teachers huddle together, “networking.” That’s another word for “dealing.” Whoever’s turn it was to bring the “diet pills” that day would be doling them out.

Now don’t be judging. Teaching is a tough job. Just try volunteering as a substitute. There are times when they need something extra to get things accomplished during those long afternoon classes.

I know there are days when I wish I had a little something extra. If we only had recess.

For high-school students, isn’t it blindly obvious by now, with all the studies concerning their biological clocks?

Have them show up for classes starting at 10:00 P.M. After all, that’s the beginning of their peak waking hours. Now instead of surfing the web, talking on their cell phones and raiding the fridge at all hours of the night, they can be learning the three R’s. Parents, please remind them those aren’t Rapping, Ripping and Raving.

Schooling during these hours will cause teachers to feel more fulfilled. They’ll be dealing with a class full of wide-awake students instead of semi-comatose blobs who might show up during daylight hours.

Here’s how all this affects you and me. With all the teachers and students who drive going to school at these hours, 3/4 of the extra rush hour traffic will be eliminated. Thus it will flow more smoothly and once again, I won’t be required to reapply deodorant once I get to the office.

The actuality of this happening though is about as likely as Donald Trump getting up and saying, “I think I’ll try on this chiffon mini and belt out a few Barbara Streisand numbers before I head to the office.”

This being the case, there’s only one group truly happy that school is back in session. Stay-at-home moms. They can now nap till 1:00, stay in their robes all day and save on deodorant, shampoo and shaving cream.

Their only thought upon contemplating the beginning of nine months of school is, “Is this a good country or what?”

© 2006 Michael Wicinski