Is This Really Necessary?

Just this week on her way home, Marilyn spotted one of our local STP trucks. STP in this case stands for Septic Tank Pumper. These are a new necessity in our lives since moving from the city.

Not being on the city sewer, means we've got a septic tank. It’s a monster living under ground not ten feet from our house.

You ask, "Why call it a monster?"

Number one, it requires maintenance. The majority of my life I’ve been dealing with elimination either in an outhouse or with indoor plumbing. To my knowledge neither of these required maintenance. Well, other than a shovel or a plunger. The ebb and flow of nature were taken for granted as being handled without much more than a little paper work.

Now that I've got the septic system, I've got to learn the care and feeding of it. That’s right. Feeding. I'm reading "Septic Tanks for Dummies" to learn about this. As you can guess, it's full of crap.

There are those who say it needs a dose of something extra every now and then. This is to help make sure the microbes and bacteria are well and doing their job. What's their job? Who cares? I'm not going to answer the Help Wanted ad. The pay and benefits stink.

Others say this is useless. It’s throwing money down the toilet. They say you can do the same thing and visit the free buffet if you go to the casinos.

I’m not sure how I feel about this issue. In fact I thought I was feeding the demon. I'll just abide by the point most everybody does agree on. Getting the thing pumped regularly. The operative word here is, "regularly." This brings us to the second reason I call it a monster.

If you don't have its innards pumped regularly, it will get your undivided attention by defying gravity. You see, what goes down can and will come back up. Without warning, one morning you'll go out to get the paper and the stinky fingers of this monster will attack you and cause your bowels to roll over. You'd think they could handle it better since they deal with it on a day to day basis.

Shortly after we moved in last February, we had the STP truck come out. Not knowing what the previous family, with small children, might have sacrificed at the porcelain altar, we thought this money well spent. From now on, though, Valentine's Day will have this bizarre double meaning for me.

Evidently Marilyn didn't notice the wording on the truck when it came to give us this inaugural pumping. Most likely it wasn't there at the time. Her female perceptive skills have only increased since marrying me. However, when she was driving home the other day, she did notice it. How could anybody miss it? On the very end of this tanker truck, prominently displayed for everyone behind it, was the word, "Inedible."

Really?

Am I the only one who finds this a bit disturbing? What act of will or conscience brought about the need to have this word displayed on the back of this type truck?

That thought gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Evidently, the firm that handles this part of rural life feels a need to absolve themselves of any and all liability. Should ever a case like this come up in court you can bet your momma I’m going to be there. I’d have to see it with my own eyes.

If this isn’t the epitome of redundancy, I don’t know what is.

© 2006 Michael Wicinski